Dancing in the Minefields: Making Marriage its Healthiest in the Encore Years
Retirement has a way of revealing what has been going on beneath the surface.
Over time, patterns can form in our lives that we aren’t even aware of. When routine falls away, there is often more space to see things clearly. Within the context of marriage, busyness may have been obscuring areas of the relationship that have been unchecked.. In that sense, the Encore years don’t so much redefine marriage as they bring it into clearer focus.
That clarity allows us to ask an important question: what do we want our marriage to become?
The Temptation to Let Go and Go Alone
Most people respond to pain by running from it. And, by our human nature, it makes logical sense to live that way. But sometimes when we run away, we also isolate ourselves from others. One of the most beautiful things about the retirement transition is that your spouse can experience it alongside you. This can be a tremendous encouragement. God has given you a partner to walk through this season with you. Over time, that shared understanding becomes an important part of how you move forward.
Cling to Jesus Together
Some of the best advice in strengthening marriage is the simplest. Arthur Brooks, a Harvard professor, describes four basic steps to strengthen any marriage:
Have more fun together instead of rehearsing grievances.
Pray or meditate together.
Make eye contact when you talk.
Don’t underestimate physical touch.
These choices are easy to read and challenging to implement! These are simple but intentional practices. The daily investment will accumulate over time, influencing not only what a marriage looks like from the outside, but how it feels from within.In addition, pursuing Jesus together as a couple will inevitably bring you closer together. Practices like Bible study, prayer, regular church attendance, and mission or ministry work can drastically change the trajectory of your marriage. As you each get healthier spiritually, sharing in the Great Commission together, your marriage will get healthier too.
Brainstorm Aspirational Goals
My church launched a marriage mentoring program when we first started attending. We were less than 6 months into marriage and needed all the mentoring we could find! We met once a month with a retired couple for a meal and an intentional but relaxed conversation about marriage. Nearly 21 years later, I still share the wisdom I learned with others.
The husband told me not to make a big deal out of the little details. He encouraged me to be flexible instead of rigid, accommodating instead of persnickety, and agreeable instead of difficult.
They also shared how they traveled overseas to serve at an international Christian school for a year of their retirement.
As you think about what marriage looks like in retirement, you are asking yourself who you want to become (flexible rather than rigid) and what you want to do (serve around the world).
Even just a few questions with you, your spouse, and even friends and mentors can be an aspirational activity:
What are some specific ways we want to grow - both individually and as a couple?What are our most important commitments, relationships, and priorities?
Who do we want to become now that we are in a new season of life?
What might we do together that would be a meaningful but unconventional use of our time, talent, and treasure?
Who would give us insight and encouragement as we navigate the next chapter together?
Write It Down - And Share with Others
In his book, An Uncommon Guide to Retirement, Jeff Haanen shows how answering these with articulated answers can transform our marriages.
Studies find that those who write out their plan for retirement are far more satisfied than those who don’t. Clearly written priorities and values can help to properly manage expectations and head off disappointment or frustration before it occurs.
Charting a course for our Encore lifestyle is a clarifying step to living with focus. It gives us a roadmap toward intentional and fruitful living. And it aligns our marriage to the work God is inviting us to next.
Retirement can bring with it a sense of isolation. But scripture warns of the dangers of withdrawing from others: "Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment." (Proverbs 18:1) Being alone often leads us to make irrational decisions or makes it difficult to see clearly. That is why our spouses can be such a gift during this time. But they have also made us stronger and more resilient.What if the healthiest and most fruitful years of marriage are still ahead? And what if there is an even better way to navigate the minefields?
Wherever you are in the process of thinking about your Encore, there are a few simple next steps to choose from:
If you’d like to talk one-on-one, I’d be glad to connect.
Or if you’d rather ease into the conversation, you’re welcome to join us for one of our weekly lunches.
