Living Like Newlyweds in the Encore
Does marriage get better when we retire? The answer should be, “Absolutely!” But it’s not guaranteed.
Think back to the day you were married. So much excitement, hope, and promise. But that first year had its share of bumps in the road as you figured out how to live together.
Marriage in retirement can feel familiar to being a newlywed. You have decades of marriage under your belt, but a new transition to navigate.
Jesus meets us in this transition. And He is always inviting us to experience greater love and satisfaction in Him and in marriage.
More Time Than Ever
According to author Cynthia Ruchti, couples entering retirement face the adjustment of spending more time together than they have in years, maybe decades. This is especially true when both spouses are retired.
In her book, Spouse in the House, she asks these questions about marriage in retirement:
“Whatever puts a husband and wife in the same space for extended periods of time - or for the rest of their lives - how do we maintain togetherness God applauds without losing the individuality and interests God created within us? How do we create mental and emotional space for pursuing the things that recharge us without creating mental and emotional distance?”
Most couples did not have careers in the same company. They said goodbye in the morning and reconnected in the evening. Now they could have more time together than ever.
It May Be an Awkward Dance
Can you remember the song for the first dance at your wedding? My wife and I danced to “For Once in My Life” by Stevie Wonder. While some couples take dance lessons in advance, we decided to wing it. We were young and in love…but we were not great dancers.
I don’t remember stepping on her toes during that first dance, but I certainly did during our first year of marriage. It was a huge transition and a bit of an awkward dance. We were no longer single. We were learning to navigate life as a couple.
At times, retirement can feel like learning another first dance; an awkward one that neither of you has quite mastered. And yet, as you try to find your footing, there can be a tendency to fall back on the ineffective methods and strategies of the past. Without realizing it, those familiar patterns can begin to feel static, leaving a marriage with less energy and vibrance than it once had.
There is an invitation to approach your marriage with fresh eyes, trusting that God is still at work. To experience Him for daily provision. This can be the most meaningful season of marriage when you see one another with fresh eyes, embrace the adventure together, and are open to God providing your mission and purpose.
Grace Extended, Grace Received
Grace is at the heart of the gospel. Jesus displayed his great love for us when he died on the cross for our sins. And He extends grace to us by forgiving us for all the ways we go against the grain of how He made us to live.
Jesus extends us grace. But we only experience his grace when we receive it.
In the same way, as we navigate the retirement transition in our marriage, we know we will need to extend and receive grace.
Receiving and Extending Grace
Scripture reminds us that our relationships are closely connected to our spiritual lives. In 1 Peter 3:7, we are reminded that the way we live with one another has a direct impact on our relationship with God. Paul Tripp, on his podcast The Gospel: One Letter at a Time, expands on the idea: “There’s just this deep beautiful union as being “joint heirs of the grace of life.” You are objects of God's grace; “Before the foundation of the world,” God chose, for both of you, to be the recipients of His grace, and your marriage ought to be a celebration of that shared grace that God has given you. And listen, when the core union of a marriage is that you are joint heirs of God's grace, that marriage is going to go someplace wonderful.”
As we receive patience and forgiveness from the Lord, we can offer those same gifts to one another. In a season marked by change and adjustment, this kind of grace becomes foundational to how a marriage grows and remains healthy.
You Can Begin Again, Together
Within this season of change is also an opportunity to be more intentional about what comes next. When familiar structures disappear, there is newfound space to decide what priorities matter most. Some couples find it helpful to think in terms of starting fresh. In the same way a zero-based budget begins from scratch, a “zero-based lifestyle” invites you to approach your time and your marriage with a blank slate.
Ask yourselves: “If we could design the life we want from scratch, what kinds of relationships would we pursue? How would we spend our time and money most meaningfully? What are the main efforts we want to commit ourselves to as a couple?”
Wherever you are in the process of thinking about your Encore, there are a few simple next steps to choose from:
If you’d like to talk one-on-one, I’d be glad to connect.
Or if you’d rather ease into the conversation, you’re welcome to join us for one of our weekly lunches.
